Barry McCarthy is a certified sex and marital therapist, psychologist, professor at the American University in Washington and exclusive partner at the Washington Psychological Center where he practice individual, couple and sex therapy. He is author of 14 books and has presented more than 300 workshops internationally.
Barry McCarthy is author of the bestselling books: Coping With Premature Ejaculation: How to Overcome PE, Please Your Partner & Have Great Sex and Men’s Sexual Health: Fitness for Satisfying Sex and he has been a great inspiration for me when overcoming premature ejaculation and when creating my own bestselling training program: The 47 Hour Premature Ejaculation Cure.
Q&A session with Barry – Popular questions about ejaculatory control
Right, so, taking inspiration from your doubts, I asked Barry some questions about his ejaculatory control guidelines and here, just for you guys, the answers :) Enjoy!
So Barry, what are the most effective strategies a man can use to get control of his ejaculation?
In learning ejaculatory control there are 3 prime strategies
- Use masturbation training to identify the arousal continuum, the point of ejaculatory inevitability, and gradually increase comfort and confidence with moderate to high levels of arousal, especially relaxation and mindfulness techniques. The stop-start technique is key.
- In partner sex, view the woman as your intimate and erotic ally in learning ejaculatory control, your role is not to perform for her or prove something to your self or her.
- The most challenging issue is ejaculatory control during intercourse, slowing down the whole sexual process and keeping a pleasure-orientation as a couple rather than individual sex performance. Experiment with positions, thrusting rhythms, touching after your orgasm, and setting positive, realistic sexual expectations: intercourse itself between 2-9 minutes.
Why is it that thinking about “boring thoughts” (like your mother-in-law) might create erectile dysfunction? Is it because of the association created by linking sex to non exciting thoughts?
Using negative thoughts subverts the intimate, interactive process and can reduce arousal leading to Ed rather than better ejaculatory control.
When you talk about psycho-sexual skills that help in order to master ejaculation, what kind of skills are you talking about? Is it Awareness? or what? Could you please explain?
Psychosexual skills are not like a cookbook, but involve practicing exercise described in Chapter 8 of Coping With Premature Ejaculation. These include physical relaxation, pelvic muscle relaxation, mindfulness, cognitive pacing, self-entrancement arousal, couple genital pleasuring, stop-start pacing first in non-intercourse sex, and then intercourse sex, quiet vagina intercourse exercise, intercourse using slow thrusting and/or circular thrusting, and establishing positive, realistic expectations, including occasional lapses
You say “The strategy in learning ejaculatory control is counter-intuitive. Increase comfort, awareness, and stimulation.” I totally agree about awareness, but how can increased stimulation give you more control?
Increased stimulation, especially during intercourse helps you become accustomed to moderate to high levels of arousal without falling into an erotic flow to orgasm.
Some people complain that if she is on top and they are not wearing a condom they feel less powerful because of the risk of coming and not be able to withdraw. This makes them less in control and more at risk of PE. What are your thoughts about it?
In non-monogamous relationships the man has to adopt use of the condom. Practice and perseverance is key in learning new techniques to enhance ejaculatory control.
How do you gain the kind of control you have during circular trusting but with short and rapid trusting?
Short, rapid thrusting is the most challenging for ejaculatory control. Men typically give themselves permission to use this on occasion rather than each experience having to be excellent control. One technique is to use manual stimulation to orgasm of the woman after ejaculation.
You say that orgasm begins at the point of ejaculatory inevitability, that’s really interesting. People usually consider orgasm the moment of ejaculation, but here there is a brand new point of view for us, is your opinion scientifically proven?
Yes, orgasm is both a physiological and psychological function. Psychological feelings of pleasure reach their height at the point of inevitability.
How long is normal?
The normal range of intercourse is 2-12 minutes, most common between 3-9 minutes.
How long can I last if I’m a virgin?
A crucial cognition is pleasure-oriented intercourse rather than individual sex performance, no matter what the situation -first intercourse or 100th intercourse.
I get too excited too quickly and ejaculate too early. Is it better to masturbate a couple of hours before sex? Or does that make the sex worse in your experience?
For most men, second orgasms are less pleasurable, masturbating before partner sex is a negative sexual strategy-the focus of couple sex is not sharing pleasure but performing for your partner.
Does too much masturbation effect how long you last in bed?
Masturbation is normal and healthy for both single and partnered men, the concern is that the man feels better about masturbation than partner sex
Do circumcised men last longer?
In general, the evidence is that circumcised men do better sexually in terms of sexual health and less vulnerability to HIV, but no difference in PE
How do male porn stars last so long?
Male porn stars are about an erotic sex fantasy, not reality-many use penile injections and there are camera tricks- the other is that subjective arousal is often low.
What helps most to last longer in bed – condoms or alcohol?
In terms of having a drink or being high, it can reduce self-consciousness, which is good for ejaculatory control – the concerns is linking being sexual with alcohol or drugs which is a negative learning.
You might find useful to check my article The 3 Worst Techniques to Last Longer in Bed to make sure you’re not using techniques (like drinking for example) which are supposed to help you out but that actually worsen your condition in the long run.
Now it’s your turn to take action!
If you found this article interesting than you will probably have a wet dream when you take a look at his books: Coping With Premature Ejaculation: How to Overcome PE, Please Your Partner & Have Great Sex and Men’s Sexual Health: Fitness for Satisfying Sex. Or if you want to learn from my personal experience and need a day by day program, check out my book: The 47 Hour Premature Ejaculation Cure.