Intimate Melody Lana 3 in 1 Review: Vibrate Your Socks Off

I’ve been a bit poorly of late, so I was hugely cheered up when the Intimate Melody Lana 3 in 1 turned up on my doorstep. Being bed-bound and sick of reading it was literally a gift from the gods.

If you’re thinking of purchasing one or just browsing around for inspiration, I’ll give you all the details right now. Get comfortable and clean your glasses.

What Is The Lana 3 in 1 ?

It’s a 3 in 1 bullet attachment vibrator. So you get three different attachments for your cash – a smooth bullet, a ridged bullet, and something I can’t quite describe. Have you ever had a Walnut Whip chocolate or seen a glow-worm? It looks a little like that. Sort of.

Anyway, when you’re browsing for reviews, don’t get mixed-up with their similarly named Lava 3 in 1 which is a 3 in 1 heated vibe.

Here’s a run-down of the Lana’s specifics.

What Do I Get?

The Handle

The handle controls all three attachments via a thin long wire. It looks like a microphone or mini periscope. It’s pretty cool, I love the design.

I was a bit shocked to discover the Lana 3 in 1 controller is powered by old fashioned batteries! It needs 2 x AAAs to be exact. I didn’t think anyone used batteries now.

To switch it on you need to press and hold the IM logo button down until the vibes start up. The logo glows red! Did I mention I loved how it looks?

Smooth Bullet

It’s hot pink and smoothly soft all over. The connecting lead measures approx 45 inches, plenty of scope for your partner to take the lead (BOOM!). It has a slightly pointed end and measures two inches in length by one inch wide. Weight-wise it’s 40ish grams.

Ridged bullet

It’s bright turquoise with three sloping swirls. The lead also measures 45 inches but it has a rounded head. It’s two and a bit inches in length by one in width and weighs 48ish grams.

The ‘Weird’ bullet

This looks like nothing on Earth and I’ve seen quite a few bullets! I can understand the design though because the tip reaches upward looking like it’s designed for the G spot.

It has six bumps along the length at odd distances and they range from thin to fat. The fattest ridge measures 1.5 inches at its widest point and the smallest 0.5 inches. It weighs 65 grams.

Their Website

I need to say at this point that checking out the Intimate Melody website may lead you to believe it’s a second rate set up. Google Translate, or whatever’s been used, has done a really poor job with the English. It really undermines the toy’s quality and needs sorting out. Their Twitter feed is much better. And the toy is sold on Amazon. Hey want to borrow my soapbox for a good old preach and criticise? There’s a great view up here.

Clandestine Delivery

There were no problems with delivery although my postman handed it over with a smirk. I assume he read the label that said ‘Massager x 1’.

The box was totally sealed in heavy duty tape. I nearly stabbed through my palm trying to get it off. Not that I’m complaining because it’s a pain when stuff is smashed on arrival. Not the Lana 3 in 1. It arrived in secret, perfect condition.

The Package

I like a good quality package. At Christmas I’m more interested in the wrapping paper and bows than finding out what’s in it. Intimate Melody don’t disappoint with their presentation.

To get to the presentation box I had to fight with reams of bubble wrap. Gandalf and the Balrog themselves couldn’t have fought harder. Whoever packaged this up needs a medal.

After a rest and cup of tea I found the box. It’s a light tan colour, sturdy and good quality. It’s simply stamped with the IM logo – all very discreet and understated. The box measures just over seven inches all round and weighs 0.550 kilograms. I know that because it’s on the customs label. I’d bet on some of that weight being the reams of packaging tape and bubble wrap.

When you take off the lid it’s like ‘BAM!’ Look at the colour, people! There’s colour everywhere! It’s quite a shock after the tan-coloured presentation box. I like the juxtaposition though.

There’s an instruction booklet included, but it’s on a par with the website. It doesn’t really make sense and lets the toy down. It wasn’t until I read all the small print that I realised there were different vibrations modes on the toy – 8 in all. That’s a big selling point and could do with being clearer.

Everyone loves a freebie and Intimate Melody give you (drum roll please) a bookmark. A ‘Facial Masks’ bookmark with a Maori type figure on the front. I’m assuming there’s a set to collect. It creeped me out a bit. I was about to get naked and friendly with Lana and suddenly there’s this scary face growling at me. Reminded me of my dad and ALMOST put me off.

Let Me At It!

The thing about great colour is that you want to get your hands on it. Let’s start with that weird shaped bullet. I’ve reviewed quite a few bullet vibrators but never seen this shape before. It’s intriguing, so it was first out. The bullet feels smooth and oddly warm. The silicone gives under pressure but it’s not floppy.

All the wires seem sturdy. When you pull them the base has a little give. I’m always expecting bullet wires to snap off but it’s not happened yet.

You may think this is weird but I like the handle best. Perhaps I’ve vibrated my brains out and I’m not thinking clearly but that handle – I love clicking it on and off like Mark Zuckerberg giving a Powerpoint presentation – click, click! It’s a perfect palm size and large enough to hold onto even when lube is causing a disaster.

Putting The Lana together

I finally found some batteries in the DVD remote. I’m really surprised there isn’t a more modern way of charging it up, but then it dawned on me that if you’re travelling, going on holiday, or don’t want to switch your computer on then batteries are actually quite handy as long as you’ve got a stash hidden away.

Fixing the Lana together was simple, even I managed it first time. You just pop the plug of your choice into the hole and you’re off. You need to press down until it clicks into place.

How Does The Lana 3 in 1 Feel?

Intimate Melody claim the Lana 3 in 1 is made from body-safe medical grade silicone and it’s phthalate free. I can confirm there were no allergic instances.

• The controls

I much prefer this one-click button to an up and down the scale set-up. When using sex toys my brain only wants to think about Han Solo, not directional clicking.

Press and hold the soft IM button for 3 seconds to get the vibrations going and then click to change them. When you’re done press and hold for three seconds again. Simple.

Top tip: When you’re changing the bullets over, don’t pull them by the wire because the plug is tight. Twisting and pulling by the plug is the best way.

• The vibe

The vibrations are excellent and the best bit is that it isn’t diminished when you change over bullets – all three of them vibrate you stupid.

I’ve tested the Intimate Melody Lava 3 in 1 toy too, and I’d say vibes are stronger on the Lava, but the Lana is still brilliant. IM certainly know how to shake it all about.

Good news for house sharers! It’s whisper-quiet. Under the duvet I could barely hear it. In the fact only noise were my teeth chattering together on the faster vibe.

There are eight vibration settings which I’ll do my best to describe.

1. Gentle buzzing
2. Stronger buzzing
3. Even stronger buzzing
4. A regular pulse just like the bass line at rave
5. Even faster rave pulse
6. Staying with the faster rave pulse but with a long beat thrown in 1,2,3,4444444444,
7. One short vibe – one long vibe
8. Starts off slowly but builds up to a strong vibe. My favourite

• The Bullets

The Smooth Bullet – billed by Intimate Melody as ‘a flirting master’.

The bullet didn’t do much flirting but was better than the most recent attempt as I left the bar – ‘Alright big tits looking for some action?’ I’m not joking.

This hot pink beauty might only measure one inch but it’s packing a lot of punch.

It easily slips inside and is great fun on the nipples and his perineum. Because it’s non-threatening my other half was happy to play as long as I didn’t spill the beans.

The Twisted Bullet – billed by Intimate Melody as ‘a passion partner’

I can’t really say the twisted shape did much for me. Because it’s not a dildo you can’t thrust with the twisty bits, so it’s a bit pointless. It did have great vibes though and I love the colour.

The Weird Bullet – billed by Intimate Melody as ‘Worm-shaped’

Worm-shaped is probably not the best name for a sex toy, but still. The worm’s tip is pin-point accurate for quick orgasms. Simply point and magic happens, like Voldemort shot a spell from his weirdly-shaped wand.

Internally it fits snugly and the base section is just the right width. If you’re up for it you can do some thrusting (you have to try, it is The Worm after all) but hold the base rather than the wire. Some yoga practice may be required first though.

Clean Up

Not the easiest clean up I’ve experienced. The worm attachment in particular was tricky because of all the ridges. When you’re using lube, which I recommend you do, it can take some time to remove it all. The best way is to pop it in the sink and rub it all over with a cleaner.

Bath Time Break Through!

After having been in hospital and faced almost certain death (I am exaggerating but if you want to send me grapes that would be lovely) I wasn’t scared of electrocuting myself. Perhaps the general anaesthetic hasn’t worn off yet. Anyhow, I took Lana for a splash! I submerged the bullet ends, they still worked and I didn’t die. Result.

The Lana 3 in 1 Pros

• Varied powerful vibrations. I’m impressed.
• Easy-to-use control makes the whole experience relaxing.
• Despite making jokes at The Worm’s expense, it really is a great clitoral vibrator with spot-on directional play.

The Lana 3 in 1 Cons

• You will need to buy batteries. Intimate Melody say Lana will last 4 hours. That might not be a con depending on how you look at it.
• The textured bullets make me feel like a kid at the sweet-shop window. Look but don’t play. You can’t thrust with them in case the wire breaks. Frustrating.

Lana 3 in 1 Review Conclusions

This is another good quality toy from Intimate Melody and I’m not the only one to think so. I love the colours, presentation and vibes which are strong and varied.

If you’re looking to buy a present for your lady this would be a good choice. It’s non-threatening, fun, playful and great for sharing with its long leads and tactile controller.

I wish you lovely people fun times on your explorations! If you don’t fancy a bullet vibrator check out my review of the Tantus dildo or their Progressive vibrating beads or come to it why not some fun vibrating panties? The choice is endless. You’d better book some time off work.