How To Make A Dildo – Go Fuck Yourself! (With The 5 Best Homemade Dildos)

Ideally, we’d all be getting fucked every day, but your favorite dick (or ANY dick) is not always available, and you’re forced to take matters into your own hands. Literally. And your own hands are great, it’s not that they aren’t, but sometimes, you just need…more. Preferably, right now. But manufactured dildos are expensive, often don’t fit perfectly with your anatomy and needs, and they take so long to get here…

…and

…what would you say if I told you that you could make your own dildo at home? I’m not trying to give you a self-inflicted injury, I promise. This isn’t one of those “make your own organic deodorant out of oats and water” shit, either.

If you were looking more for something that’s…personalized, you can do that. Based on your man’s cock, a favorite dildo, or a different phallic object of your choice. In fact, you can turn this Find The Perfect Cock Replacement Mission into a session of arts & crafts. It’s like when you were 5 and playing with silly putty. You’ll see.

3 Cheap Dildos Under $15

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And if that sounds like too much work for you or you don’t really wanna get your hands dirty, well… it turns out that our vaginas aren’t THAT picky after all. Pretty much any cock-shaped object will do, as long as it’s safe. Don’t believe me? I’ll give you some options below in the last method.

Step right up, ladies (and gentlemen)! We’ve got fake dicks for every need, preference, and vagina! The best of the best makeshift penises for your entertainment! No matter what you’re looking for in a perfect cock, we can show you how to make it happen!

Every dildo must be cleaned and sanitized either with water and soap or mild disinfectant substances to lower the risk of vaginal infections.

How to make a dildo: 5 methods

• Method 5: The most difficult
• Method 4
• Method 3
• Method 2
• Method 1: The easiest

5.

I Want My Ideal Cock And Damn It, I’m Willing To Work For It

Oh so you’re a tough guy, eh? Or err, girl, I guess. You’re not satisfied with just any plastic cock like a filthy commoner. No, you want your very own Personalized Ideal Penis, and you know what? You should get everything you want, girl.

Just letting you know, however, that this shit is expensive, hard work, and it requires a whole shopping list, some of which borders on…what do the kids call it…EXTRA!

I think we can all agree that the problem with homemade toys is that they look…homemade. And I don’t really like that. Well, this option also has some extra steps you can take to make this as professional-looking as possible. And who knows, you may even sell these babies. I heard there’s bank to be made on Etsy with shit like this ?

Professional ™ Silicone Dildo

Here’s the shopping list:

• Platinum cure silicone
• Sculpey
• A container
• Mann Ease Release 200
• Pigments
• Mod Podge
• 2 Hail Marys
• A partridge in a pear tree

LET’S DO THIS.

STEP 1: Choose the ideal type of silicone for your dildo.

What you’ll have to quickly learn is that the regular silicone dildo is WAY more complicated than it looks. It’s not just a matter of picking the biggest size and the grossest veiny mold and pouring in a pretty color. There’s different types of silicone for different types of toys.

Here’s what you’ll be looking for:

• Type – That would be platinum cure silicone, because it’s body-safe. There are multiple marketers that sell it, so just pick one, I don’t really care which one. This isn’t going up my vagina.
• Firmness – Most people are probably not aware (I sure as hell wasn’t), but silicone comes in degrees of firmness. Sure, you want a hard dick, but actually, when you look at the scale, it’s not that hard.

You’ll actually be looking at some pretty soft silicones, depending on the kind of dildo you want. Bendy? Dual density (this one needs two different types of silicone: a hard core and a soft outer coat)? A little harder, for G-spot stimulation? There’s a lot of shit to take into consideration, so your dildo needs to be planned.

I’d love to tell you more about it, but I can’t. I’VE GOT A WORDCOUNT LIMIT, PEOPLE.

Now, back to our regular programming.

To make a VERY long story short, stick to Dragon Skin (10 A or 20 A) or Ecoflex (00-20 or 00-30) as my personal recommendations.

STEP 2: Shape your dick with Sculpey or a similar material and then BAKE it.

This is the easiest way to do it, but I’d practice A LOT if you’re not an artist, because you won’t get that dick shape right on the first try. Once you’ve gotten the hang of it and your creation doesn’t look pathetic anymore, you can stick it in the oven and bake it to get it hard. Coat it in Mod Podge to get it looking smooth and not-homemade-looking.

STEP 3: WE’RE MAKING THE FUCKING MOLD

Little did you know, there are special substances for making molds. I guess you would have known if you’re into this DIY gig, but I’m not, so I was pleasantly surprised. Just like the silicone for the toys, molding mediums come in different degrees of hardness. Soft silicone won’t do.

Now take that container, box, or whatever you’ve got on hand that is tall enough and roomy enough. Make sure it’s sort of sturdy too, so it won’t leak everywhere, bend, or break.

Remember the dick you made and hopefully didn’t burn in the oven? You put it in that container upright, doing your best to keep it centered. If your penis has a base, this will be easy. Grease your penis up (no, not your real penis), to make sure it’ll pop out of the mold easy later.

At this stage, you can mix your mold juice (that’s not a professional term, so don’t quote me on that) and make sure to work fast. There should only be two parts to mix, so even a child could do this. In the words of my life coach, RuPaul, “Good luck, and don’t fuck it up!”.

Once it’s all homogenous, you can dump the mix in over your baked dildo. Make sure you cover it entirely and leave a bit more at the very top.

Extra tip from me to you – if you pour the liquid slowly and in thin “layers”, there’s less of a chance for air to be trapped inside. Allow this to set, harden, or “cure” for however long the pack says. It will depend on the mix you choose to use.

Once it’s done, you can pull the mold out, cut it in half, careful not to ding the dildo, pop that baby out, and you’ve got a workable mold for all your dildo-ing needs.

STEP 4: If you’re particularly fussy, you can make your toy colorful, so let’s do a quick tutorial for how to do that.

Just mix your pigments into part A of your silicone, but not part B. Just mix them into part A really well, and then when you’re ready to pour, mix it in with part B.

STEP 5: After 43 years, we’re FINALLY making this fucking dildo!

OKAY, you guys, final stretch. You’ve got your mold, you’ve got your silicone, so you can pour that shit in! Before you do that, though, you need to get your Mann Ease Release 200 and spray it into the mold, and can anyone tell me why? That’s right, because silicone + silicone = BAD. They’ll stick together and everything will be RUUUUUIIIIIINED.

ANYWAY. You take your silicone, you pour it in, and you let the toy set. You should have your instructions on the silicone for the time required to cure.

All that’s left is to take it out when it’s done, wash it, and fuck it! YAAAAY!

4.

Make-Your-Own-Dildo Sounds Interesting…But Woah, I’m Not THAT Bothered

Okay, so maybe Professional-tier dildo maker is too intense for you, so we’ll take it down a notch. How about just…Dildo Enthusiast who is willing to do SOME work for their own use? That’s more like it, and you’ll be glad to hear I have several options for you, here.

Peg Away Putty

This one’s excellent for those of you who are young at heart (and old everywhere else – HA!) and used to enjoy playing with silly putty. Nostalgic over that? Here’s your chance to recreate those fond memories.

The Peg Away Putty is your one-stop-shop for all of your dildo-ing needs. There are like, 4 different kits to choose from, depending on how much of the magic putty you need: do you want to create a whole new toy, or just build an add-on for an old one? The beauty of this is that it can be used to “personalize” your existing silicone toys by adding new bits to them, new textures, or just extra parts that enhance your experience. They’ll look ridiculous at the end, but they’ll feel great!

 

More instructional videos from Square Peg Toys.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you: once this thing sticks, it won’t come off, so make sure you really want your toy “enhanced”.

Let’s get this shit started!

What you get:

• Tinted putty
• Clear activator

You really don’t need anything else, except for like, toys you want to modify, and the general accoutrements one needs to make sure they don’t get everything dirty: gloves, a cover for your table, etc.

STEP 1: Be mindful of where you work with this stuff, because latex might ruin certain surfaces. To be on the safe side, waxed paper is almost always a good choice for any DIY and arts & crafts shit, or aluminum foil. If you want to wear gloves, make sure they’re not latex one, as they will interfere with the process.

STEP 2: Know what you plan on making, because once you activate the putty, you’ve got a certain time frame to achieve your vision. If you need to draw your design, measure shit out, sketch something based on another toy you have or your favorite penis, now is the time to do it.

STEP 3: If you’re using an already existing toy that you want to “mutate”, now is the time to thoroughly degrease it. It should be cleansed properly to remove all traces of oils, lube, grease, body fluids, dirt, etc. That will ensure that your putty will adhere nicely.

STEP 4: Mix your colors, if you have them. Peg Away Putty comes in several colors, so if you’ve got them and you want a certain shade, you’d better start working on that now, before activation.

STEP 5: Mix the activator in! You want equal parts clear activator and colored putty, so make sure to use the same quantity for both, and that you don’t trap air into your putty. You should try to complete this process as fast as possible, to give you time to actually shape the toy. Think of it as silly putty, playdoh, etc. and the way you used to mix colors – play around with it until you’ve got the color homogenized. They advise that this shouldn’t take more than 2 minutes, so it’s a race against the clock to make that cock! How exciting.

STEP 6: Now you’ve got around 5 minutes to shape your toy! GO! GO! GO! Remember that you don’t necessarily need to do it all in one go, you can also do this in stages; the putty with stick to itself without issues.

STEP 7: All that’s left is to give it a few hours (I’d say 2 to 3) to harden and “cure”, and you’re done!

It’s a good idea to wash any toy you make, just to ensure everything’s nice and sanitary. Enjoy your new mutant dildo!

Candy Dildo

Yes, you read that right – we’re gonna be making candy dildos. There are some concerns over sugary shit going up your vag that we’ll address at the end, where you’ll remember it.

Make Your Mold

You need this shit:

• A milk carton
• Something greasy (vegetable oil works)
• A phallic object or dildo
• Paraffin wax

PHASE 1!

Okay, so first we need to create the mold for our candy dildo (I can’t believe I’m writing this). Ideally, you’d have a dildo you want to replicate, but you can substitute that. Any phallic item will do just fine, as long as you’re cool with possibly ruining it forever.

First, you need a milk carton or a similar container. You want to make sure that it’s a bit taller than the object you are using. Now, use vegetable oil or even shortening to grease up the toy, so that it comes out from the wax we’re pouring over it. Put it inside the carton, and do your best to place it in the center, so you get a good mold out of this.

Now take that paraffin wax and melt it on low heat. I can’t tell you exactly how much you need, because it depends on how big your object is. You can have a guess by checking with water beforehand. Just to let you know, you can get around 2 cups of liquid paraffin wax from 1 pound.

Is your toy in the container? Is it all greased up? Perfect. Start pouring the liquid wax and make extra sure that it covers the object completely and that you have some extra at the top. You need to let this cool for a few hours (overnight is ideal), so it can become solid.

Okay, PHASE 2!

Is the whole thing a hunk of solid wax? Then, you can take a knife and cut the whole block in half, starting from the top.

(Quick cheat: if you take a lighter and heat up the blade, it’ll cut the wax easier because it causes it to melt a little bit. OOOOOOOO SCIENCE.)

Once you’ve cut it all around, you can take the sides apart, and voila! Once you take the object out, you’ve got yourself a mold. Grease the inside up again, bring your half molds together, and tie them together with a rubber band or something. You want to make this stick together.

Make your dildo

PHASE 3! We’re making the dildo!

You need this shit:

• 1 cup sugar
• 1/3 cup butter
• 3 cups powdered sugar
• 1/3 cup powdered milk
• 2/3 cup white corn syrup
• 1 tsp vanilla (this is if you wanna eat it; if not, ignore this)
• ¼ tsp salt

If you’ve ever baked before, this should be easy. You just need to dump powdered milk, salt, and powdered sugar in a bowl. In a pan, dump the butter, the corn syrup, and the sugar. Be careful not to burn it, so stir until it’s boiling. You can then boil it on low for like, 5 minutes, take it off the heat, and put the vanilla in. Then put in all that powdered stuff you mixed together in the bowl.

Take all this stuff to your mixer (yes, really; this shit is a lot of work, isn’t it?) and beat it (teehee) until you get a taffy-like consistency. You got it nice and soft? Great. It means it’s ready to be poured into the mold. Literally dying of excitement over here.

Take the mixture and start pouring it into the mold until you fill it up. Then, all you need to do is let it set. If you put it in the fridge for a few hours (again, even better overnight), you’re golden.

Once your fake dick is hard (I’M SORRY, I couldn’t help myself), you can take the mold apart and give your brand new (delicious) toy a good wipe. It’s gonna be sticky and gross, so you might wanna give it a cornstarch dusting.

And if you’re sitting there thinking that it’s so great you can’t get pregnant from your fake cock, so you don’t need a condom, think again – sugar up your vag means one thing:

HOLY YEAST INFECTION, BATMAN!

Cover that shit up, or your vag will hate you. I’m just saying.

Note: Candy dildos, being made out of edible ingredients, need to be covered up with a condom because of the infection risks.

 

3.

That Seems Like So Much Work…Can I Make This Make-Your-Own Shit Instant?

Like you, I have a short attention span and I like instant gratification. Working hard is great and all…but why do it, when you’ve got premade stuff that someone else has already created for you, right? Instant mashed potatoes, anyone?

For you, I’ve got some kits relevant to your interests. All the fun AND the benefits of a DIY dildo, but none of the actual dirty work or the time suck that comes with it. Here’s the (relatively) easy way out:

Clone A Willy

Clone A Willy is definitely the most well-known kit of this type, and one of the most popular. That’s because it’s inexpensive, it’s fun (so it makes a great novelty gift for bachelorette parties and such), it’s…interactive (you’ll see what I mean in a second) and most importantly, it’s affordable, and relatively low-effort.

I don’t know if I even need to explain this, but Clone A Willy helps you…clone a willy. That is to say, you make a silicone replica of a real-life penis. Ever had an ex-boyfriend you really fucking hated (ugh, he’s just The Worst), but whose dick was incredible? This is your ideal solution. All of the dick with none of the asshole!

Best of all, even if there’s no dick to replicate, you can still fill the cock-shaped hole in your heart by making a dildo using a different phallic object.

The good part is that everything you need comes with the kit, so you don’t have to go out looking for anything. The actual molding part is…eh, interesting, but it certainly doesn’t require as much work as the rest of the options we’ve discussed. The only thing I’d say would make this whole process easier is if you have two people working on this, especially if you’re working with a real penis. We wrote a full clone a willy review, if you’re interested.

What you need:

• Silicone
• Molding powder
• A molding tube
• A penis

You get all of that in the kit, isn’t that convenient? Well, minus the penis.

 

STEP 1: Get hard

No, seriously. You obviously want your fake dick to be a hard dick, so don’t go molding flaccids, that won’t fuck anyone. Alternatively, reach for your penis stand-in, whether that’s a banana, a cucumber, or a handle from some household tool. I won’t judge.

What might help: Now, consider the fact that staying hard during this operation might be…challenging, so you’ll need all the help you can get from your friends: nudity, cock rings, penis pumps, Viagra, porn, or just regular old jacking off. Trust me on this.

STEP 2: Get the mold container ready

Measure your hard dick against the plastic tube, mark it off, and then cut off the excess material. You’ll wanna tape off the ends. And yes, this is where your penis goes later. Exciting, isn’t it?

STEP 3: Mix the molding stuff

In a bowl, mix your molding powder with water, as per the instructions. You should be mixing for about a minute. You can expect some lumps, but that’s okay!

STEP 4: Fuck the mixture

Now the hilarious part – pour the mixture into the tube, stick your dick in it, and hold it there for 2 minutes. Yes, two whole minutes. Entertaining for the partner, less so for the penis owner. Remember the erection aids? This is why you need them. You’re welcome.

STEP 5: Allow the mold to set

The mold should have hardened up by now, so you can take your penis out and leave the mold to dry out for a couple of hours. Use this time to rinse your penis off, you animals!

STEP 6: Prepare your silicone

While the mold is drying, take your silicone and mix it into a cup. You probably won’t be able to use this again, so don’t pick the one that says #1 DAD! that you got your dear old dad for Father’s Day. Stir that shit up.

STEP 7: Clone a willy!

Pour your silicone mixture into the now fully dry mold, and leave it to sit for at least 24 hours, to give it time to properly harden. When you take it out, you should have a fully functioning replica of your fave dick!

How cool is that? If you’re a dude, you just found the perfect break-up gift for all of your ex-girlfriends.

Extras: Something cool to be aware of with Clone A Willy is that they’ve got multiple options. There are colorful willies, glow-in-the-dark willies, and vibrating willies! Some of these sets are a Make A Vibrating Dildo set, and they come with everything we’ve already talked about, plus a bullet vibe.

The process is much of the same, except you need to stick your vibrator in the bottom of your dildo when you’re pouring the silicone over it. You need to make sure to leave the base out. That way, when it sets, you’ve got yourself a replica of a penis that also vibrates, which might make it more enjoyable than the real thing, but don’t tell that to the nice lad who lent you his dong. That’s just rude.

Dodil

If Clone A Willy is STILL above your skill level or Give A Fuck level, then I have something else for you: Dodil. Dodil is fucking weird. First of all, this thing has a name. He? It? I’m gonna call him “he”.

Now, my friend Dodil, here (that’s Dildo spelled with the syllables backwards for those of you who took an equally embarrassing amount of time as I did to figure it out) is…dildo potential. He’s not a dildo (despite what his name might have you think), but he CAN be. Much like how Pinocchio’s always wanted to be a real boy, Dodil’s dream is to someday be a real dildo with a name that isn’t as stupid as this one.

Dodil is a really cool concept, actually, because he caters to the truly lazy. He’s basically just a hunk of silicone that you need to heat up and then play with to give it whatever shape you want. And it’s GENIUS. I’ll show you why in a second. For now, let’s talk about how to make it.

 

So, you’re supplied with:

• A hunk of plastic (ahem, a moldable thermoplastic core with a silicone outer coating, according to their website. Whatever)
• A thermos
• A piece of string

You probably think you can’t make shit out of this, but GET A LOAD OF THIS.

STEP 1: Heat water up on the stove until it’s boiling. You see, this is an essential component of how Dodil takes his final form – he needs the heat, so he becomes malleable.

 

STEP 2: Put Dodil in the thermos they provide and pour the boiling water over him. Close the lid and leave him submerged in there for 30 minutes. Don’t worry about him, he’ll be fine. He took swimming lessons.

(Quick note here: if you don’t want their overpriced thermos, you can supply your own and only pay for Dodil himself)

STEP 3: After the 30 minutes are up, pour the water out, and let your new friend chill for a couple of minutes. He’s a little hot right off the bat. Once he’s good to go, you’ve got around 20 minutes to abuse him in any way you want to create new shapes and obtain your ideal dildo.

You’ll mainly be working with your hands to shape this guy. They provide the string with the kit, but my Top Secret Inside Sources say it’s not that effective, and that you’d be better off with something that wraps tighter around him, like a bunch of rubber bands, in order to create a wavy, curvy shape.

You can also add textures to this New & Improved Dodil, if you want to tie textured stuff to him in order for it to mold into him. Like, say, a bunch of LEGO bricks or something like that. The coolest thing is that you can bend him to provide G-spot stimulation.

STEP 4: Once the torture is over for good ol’ Dodil, you can let him cool off, or you can baptize him in some cool water, after which he shall emerge as his new self: Dildo. If life’s hardened him too much for your taste, you can also leave the hot water running on him for a bit or take him in the shower to see his softer side again. He’s more comfortable that way.

Super Cool Sidenote: What Dildo Baggins here has to offer, compared to all these other options, is the potential for unlimited toys. You see, you can repeat this process however many times you want, really. Feel like adding a different texture? Want to bend him more to fit better inside you? All you have to do is get him malleable again. The possibilities are (almost) endless.

2.

I’m A Spoiled Brat And My Vag Deserves Only The Best

Oh, you thought we were done? Not yet, folks. I know, there is a truly surprising amount of ways you can make things to fuck yourself with, isn’t there? And if all those other poor-man’s-dildos aren’t quite up to your standards, then perhaps you’d like to take matters into your own hands and create a more professional-looking toy – by designing it from scratch and then having it made just like in a factory.

3D Printing

 

Are you REALLY extra? Do you have some time to spare? Are you one of those annoying “i’M nOt lIkE oThEr gIrLs” people and want to feel special? Does your boujie ass not want to use ugly toys? Then it’s time to play with that expensive 3D printer you’ve got lying around the house gathering dust.

Then you can model your penis with special software and then watch it as it becomes reality before your very eyes. It’s like witchcraft.

For the second time in this article: SCIENCE. Or rather, TECHNOLOGY.

If you’ve got any design capabilities at all, this can be a fun little project for you, as long as you don’t do it at work (Please don’t design it at work). Otherwise, I’m sure, SURE there are ready-made models you can download online (pssst… did you try dildo-generator.com?).

If you’re a commoner without a 3D printer (I mean, aren’t we all? No, not you, of course not), you can also send your phallic pal to a 3D printing website and they’ll do it for you. They won’t think you’re a fucking weirdo or anything. Just casually designing and printing penises. Then, you just get it in the mail like you would any other sex toy you order online, which…would kind of defeat the purpose. Well, 3D printing is already kiiiiiiiiiiiind of stretching the definition of what “homemade” means, but I thought it would be a shame not to take advantage of the technology.

The only thing to keep in mind here is that you might need to sand down the dildo before actually doing any inserting, because it might have plastic edges that will snag. Otherwise, this can be the start of a great new thing, because you can also use it to create other shapes of dildos, butt plugs, and other items. You’re only limited by your own filth.

Here is a 3D printed dildo by our friends at Vice.com produced using dildo-generator.

1.

I’m Lazy And Horny And Don’t Have Time For This Shit, I Just Want To Get Fucked

Okay, OKAY, there’s no need to get aggressive about it, I understand. If you’re zero interested in personalizing, molding, or otherwise wasting your time getting your hands dirty with something that isn’t…you know, then I might have the ideal solution for you:

Just go looking around your house, find something dick-shaped, and go to town. DONE.

No, I’m kidding. Well, I’m not, really.

This is where I literally tell you what stuff you can use to shove up your cooch for a good time.

A Word Of Caution

Okay, first thing’s first: never ever use things that are:

1. Sharp
2. Breakable
3. That can leave splinters or shards inside you
4. Likely to hurt you in any way

In addition, you will have to do your best to wash and/or sanitize these objects, if at all possible.

Now, for the tutorial. Don’t worry, this will be short:

STEP 1: Take your object and put a condom on it. Always.

What’s that? Sometimes use a condom?

NO. ALWAYS.

That ensures that you are protected from any bacteria may be on the object and it makes it easier to slide in. And speaking of sliding:

STEP 2: Pour lube onto your object

You need lube. Always use lube.

STEP 3: Go fuck yourself!

Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s see what household objects you can defile.

If you get horny in the fruits & vegetables isle:

• Carrot
• Banana
• Leek
• Cucumber
• Egg plant
• Asparagus
• Pepper (not the spicy kind!)
• Zucchini
• Rhubarb
• Corn

If you’re raiding dad’s toolbox or your beauty kit:

• Makeup brush handle
• Hammer handle
• Mascara
• Remote control
• Hair brush handle
• Tennis racket handle
• Pan handle
• Popsicle
• Screwdriver handle
• Shampoo bottle
• Marker
• Candle
• Electric toothbrush handle
• Baseball bat
• Perfume bottle

Bonus Ideas ?‍?

There’s nothing that gets people’s creative juices flowing more than wanting to get fucked. If it exists, people will find a way to fuck it. Horniness is the mother of all creativity.

Don’t believe me? Here are a few of the things you can use to get off.

• Soap

The use of soap is ingenious, because it can be shaped into almost anything. Whether you sculpt it with something sharp or shape it in your hands, soap is soft enough to be modelled easily, and achieve rounded ends that you won’t hurt yourself fucking. However, soap in your vag isn’t great, medically speaking, because it can upset the delicate PH balance up there. Make sure to cover that baby up with a condom.

• Candy

I know we’ve already covered the candy penis portion of this program, but there’s another way to do it, especially when means are limited. You take a bunch of candy, melt it down, and then shape a dick out of it. Pretty easy, huh? And sticky, very very very very (very very very) sticky.

• A can of chips + newspapers + cloth

If it sounds painful, it’s because it sure as hell is. A can of Pringles take some getting used to, but even aside from that, the ends are flat, so those ridges will not be comfortable, mawma. You may want to stuff it with some paper and fashion some sort of cushiony head out of cloth or something, so you don’t hurt yourself. Not that uh, that will be your only painful problem with this kind of “dildo”. Make sure you’re quite ready to…welcome it. With all the lube in the world. All of it.

• A purple whale

No, not a literal purple whale, that’s just the wonderfully creative name for what lady inmates sometimes use as a dildo, fashioned out of a tooth brush, or a pencil, or whatever they’re allowed, wrapped in a maxi pad, and then stuffed in a purple glove, which acts as a sort of barrier/holds everything together/is a condom substitute.

• Toilet paper roll

You’d be shocked at what you can achieve from a freaking toilet paper roll. You take one empty roll (or two, if you want it to be longer) and stuff it with toilet paper. Make sure some of it is sticking out on the other side, to form a makeshift head. Then, you get tape and start wrapping it around it, covering it from one end to the other. You can then start wrapping the base in more toilet paper, in order to get it thicker, not only for insertion purposes, but also so it won’t get stuck up there.

Practice Safe Sex, Kids

What? But we’re not talking about real dicks! No, we’re not, but there are still very important safety issues I need to talk to you about, so don’t fucking skip this part, ok?

I’ve already talked about some of this stuff, but it needs to be repeated:

1. I’m not TELLING you to put any of this stuff inside you. I am not your doctor, your mother, or your minister. I’m just showing you some options, what you decide to do is your own thing, and I am not responsible for any injury or anything, so don’t @ me, okay? If you’re ever unsure about something, please ask your doctor.
2. Use a condom with all of your makeshift toys. Just because they can’t give you STDs or babies doesn’t mean that you should rawdog them. Not only can they be lumpy and bumpy, they can also be unsanitary.
3. Don’t use anything sharp, breakable, or that might snag. You only need to have one peeled banana break inside you ONCE to know that it’s a fucking ballache to take it out and that it’s absolutely going to give you a yeast infection from all that sugar, so don’t fucking do it, man. Do I need to say “Don’t fuck yourself with scissors?” Maybe I do.
4. Don’t use these toys inside your ass. Don’t use these toys inside your ass. Don’t use these toys inside your ass. Don’t use these toys inside your ass. Don’t use these toys inside your ass. They will be SWALLOWED WHOLE. Into YOUR hole. Don’t use these toys inside your ass.
5. ………so you used these inside your ass, and now you lost the cucumber inside your literal asshole and it’s bopping around in your anal cavity. Take your dumb ass to the emergency room and never do this again.
6. If you DO want to use them inside your ass, then you need to make a base for them. That’ll work differently depending on the toy, but generally, you can make it at the molding stage, like this:

You tape a bit of cardboard or plastic all around the top bit of your mold, so you create an inch-high wall, so to speak, and THEN you pour the silicone (or whatever you are using) in. That way, your mold will fill up normally, but you’ll always have that bit outside the original mold that will harden with the toy, creating a base. It’s always safer to have one.

7. Please use plenty of lube with each and every one of your creations. Your Franken-dildo may entice you enough on its own, but a lot of these will require lube for an easier (and safer!) slip. Especially if you’re using household objects, or some vegetable, keep the lube coming, and at least don’t try to DIY that, because your pussy will not thank you if you do.