5 Best Blowjob Machines (That Really Suck) and 1 To Avoid

Discover the best blowjob machines that really suck (in a good way).

Look, we all know that men are united by one (almost) universal thing: they love blowjobs. I do, you do, your brother does, we all love good head.

Unfortunately, for single men or men whose partners are not keen on oral, blowjobs do not come as frequently as they’d like. So, what do you do in that case? Commit to painful abstinence while your balls turn blue?

NOPE.

From personal experience, I can only assume that, in lieu of a willing partner, most men would welcome the services of a well-designed automatic blowjob machine.

Skip the intro and take me to the best blowjob toys!

What The Hell Is A Blowjob Machine?

Just imagine the Mystery Machine from Scooby-Doo, but for blowjobs.

Just kidding!

A blowjob machine is what it says on the tin: a device that sucks your penis. Yes, really.

Blowjob machines are automatic, they don’t want you to say I love you, hold hands, or meet their dads, and are not to be confused with pocket pussies, which are manual.

TL;DR:

• blowjob machine/cock-milking machine = hands-free
• masturbator/pocket-pussy = hand-held.

Got it? Good.

Why Would You Use A Blowjob Machine?

Things happen, and all the best things in life are “locked” behind obstacles – not everyone has a partner, not all partners are willing (or skilled!), and even the most enthusiastic cocksucker becomes tired or suffers from lockjaw at some point.

It’s the great tragedy of our times.

But hear me out, here: what if there was a way for you to get blowjobs whenever you wanted, however you wanted?

BOOM! the blowjob machine was born.

How Does A Blowjob Machine Work?

Listen, there are a LOT of contraptions on the market right now that are meant to stimulate your penis. Turns out that men will stick their penis in just about anything if they’re desperate enough.

Blowjob machines are already winning because:

a) they’re actually MEANT to give you oral sex and it’s not just an errant, innocent piece of fruit that you’re molesting, and

b) they’re automatic! The machines simulate the sexual act by stimulating the penis using a mechanical contraption that replicates realistic movement.

In other words, a blowjob machine offers a hands-free experience, where as a user, you simply insert your penis, and the machine will offer more or less realistic sensations. That is achieved through both design and the movement of the actual device.

The machine can be used by itself or it may require a second product (a manual male masturbator, also known as a Fleshlight) in order to function as intended.

How Did I Find The Top Blowjob Sex Toys?

I picked the most popular blowjob machines and I conducted an… analysis on them. By that I mean I wanked the soul out of them.

You know, for science.

My aim was to determine which one of these machines performs the best, and is superior in terms of features, generating the most satisfactory results.

5 Blowjob Machines That Suck Like There’s No Tomorrow

1) Autoblow AI Ultra

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• Autoblow analyzed more than 108 hours of pornographic blowjob material in order to replicate realistic movements and techniques. That’s a lotta porn.
• 1145 pornographic blowjob videos were viewed and manually annotated in order to pinpoint accurate movement, speed, intensity, etc. I wonder how their wives felt about that.

How to use the Autoblow AI Ultra?

Lucky you, the Autoblow AI Ultra is fairly intuitive to use. If you already own the original Autoblow 2, you probably already know how this works. This is a toy that uses sleeves, and the sleeve is included with the toy.

That way, the motor doesn’t strange your penis directly in a sexy death grip. I’m not sure I’d want this thing gripping my penis without anything to protect it.

So, you plug the toy in, place the sleeve into the toy, put your penis in, and turn it on. The all-metal motor moves up and down and strokes your penis through the sleeve for a realistic stimulation that is as close as possible to real techniques. You cycle through stroking styles and speeds to diversify the feeling.

What are the advantages of using Autoblow AI Ultra compare to other blowjob sex toys?

Autoblow AI Ultra offers a remarkable 10 stroking modes and 10 stroking speeds, enabling a personalized masturbatory experience that I’ve rarely achieved with any other toy.

The product comes with one mouth sleeve you can use, but there are three in total that you can swap out in order to multiply the sensations.

Kind of like banging a different girl every night, but without the STDs.
#winning #blessed #singleandstdfree

What are the disadvantages of Autoblow AI Ultra?

The product is kinda bulky, which, I’m not gonna lie, can interfere with the experience.

Autoblow AI Ultra is also almost twice as expensive as the original version, for a total that can be eye-watering for the gentleman who is not used to treating himself to pleasure devices. I think my rent was less than this, at some point.

Why is Autoblow AI Ultra among the best blowjob simulator right now?

The fact that the Autoblow AI Ultra is “powered by artificial intelligence”, as they claim, is the most terrifying, but also the most remarkable thing about it, and is also unique to this product on the market.

Hundreds of hours of wanking err, work have been put into this in order to create a blowjob experience that replicates real techniques.

And let me tell you, it shows. If you close your eyes and allow yourself to be enveloped by the sensation, it comes pretty close to reality. The natural movement is spot-on. You can imagine your favorite pornstar, your girlfriend, your boss, your cousin – oh sorry, this isn’t Alabama.

2) Autoblow 2+XT

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• Autoblow 2 is the original toy created by Autoblow, and the one that preceded the Autoblow AI Ultra. Autoblow+XT is the enhanced model.
• I have no idea what the hell happened to Autoblow 1, and starting with 2 makes me feel a little uneasy, like Autoblow 1 was a huge fail that maimed penises. Try not to think about it.

How do you use the Autoblow 2+XT?

The great thing about Autoblow is that thanks to that Captain Obvious name, you know exactly what it does without needing to look into it too much – it automatically blows you.

If you’ve ever been blown, the mechanics are simple: you put it in, and your penis is automatically stroked.

Using what, you ask? Well…on their website, they show you the inside, which kind of looks like your penis is being choked with three beaded bracelets.

You’re probably sitting there wondering why you’d pay for that when you can just steal some jewelry from your wife. Or anal beads. I don’t recommend it.

What are the advantages of using Autoblow 2+XT?

I mean…no hands! Plus, you get to be in control of the sensation by changing the speed and intensity settings. It’s like telling someone how you want it, but you can adjust it directly so it feels juuuuuust right.

It also comes with a sleeve that you put inside, and you get to choose the SIZE. The sizes you can choose from are A (3-4” girth), B (4-5.5” girth), or C (5-6.5” girth).

If you’re bigger than that, honestly, no one wants to hear about your big penis problems.

What are the disadvantages of using Autoblow 2+XT?

Since this is one of the very first of its kind, it’s definitely not as smooth, as intense, or as realistic than others. In fact, I’d even go as far as to say that if you already have other masturbators in your collection, this one is not worth spending the money on.

Why is the Autoblow 2+XT  listed with the best blowjob machines?

This doesn’t only promise to offer a realistic blowjob, but it’s one of the first – if not THE first toy of its kind, and we need to pay the proper respects and recognition.

Is it the most popular, or the most realistic on the market right now? Probably not, but it’s a pioneer, however awkward it may be.

3) Quickshot Launch

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• The Quickshot Launch is the second automatic masturbator created by Fleshlight, after the original Fleshlight Launch, which has unfortunately been discontinued. R.I.P. Fleshlight Launch, you’ve served us well.
• Fleshlight has been the worldwide leader of male masturbators for several years.

How do you use the Quickshot Launch?

Using the Quickshot Launch is as simple as placing the Quickshot toy in the cradle, inserting your penis in the toy, and then allowing the machine to attack your penis.

You hold the machine from the ergonomic handles that are especially designed to be comfortable and functional…and then you shoot your penis into space? I can’t with this “Launch” analogy.

This is also how you control the device – the buttons on the left and right help you adjust the stroke speed and the stroke length. You can also control what type of stimulation you desire – head of the penis, shaft, or base.

What are the advantages of using Quickshot Launch?

Among the advantages you enjoy when using the Quickshot Launch is the freedom to customize the experience. Every penis is different and responds to different types of stimulation, and that is exactly what this device addresses.

Imagine how with a regular blowjob, you can have the tip of the penis stimulated, the shaft, or the base – that is what the Quickshot Launch achieves.

Now, is it realistic? Well, kind of.

Like other toys on this list, when I close my eyes and let this do its job, I can almost forget that I’m being sucked off by a machine.

I’ll give you a pro tip: warm up the sleeve beforehand and go to town with the lube – that pushed the realistic aspect over the edge for me.

What are the disadvantages of this blowjob machine?

Look, this looks ridiculous and the rocket association gives big cringe energy, but I can’t make fun of this.

One disadvantage that was immediately obvious to me (and immediately gross) is the fact that this device is open-ended. While simple to use and clean, that means it very easily lends itself to mishaps during climax. And it did, at least for me.

I can confidently state I’ve never particularly desired to clean semen off my phone or from the hidden crevices of the device.

Why is it the Quickshot Launch rated as one of the best blowjob sex toys?

The customization of the experience is overall the absolute best property of the Quickshot Launch for me. Few other products allow you to control so many aspects and it significantly contributes to the feeling of realism that I was talking about earlier.

What’s also praise-worthy is the enhanced comfort and convenience of this product compared to its predecessor, the Fleshlight Launch. This version is less expensive, smaller in size, more comfortable, and more user friendly.

4) Onyx Plus

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• The full name for this product is the Kiiroo Onyx 2 Teledildonic Masturbator. You can’t tell me that the word “teledildonic” doesn’t make you giggle.
• Kiiroo is the main company producing interactive toys and has even partnered up with Fleshlight for the now defunct Fleshlight Launch to give it that interactive quality.

How do you use Onyx Plus?

By now, I’m sure you already know how these work. It’s not that hard to find the hole you need, right?

That was the easy part. It’s about to get a lot more complicated.

Interactive mode is the big, cool, sexy one. You can basically pair this with raunchy, weird AF porn, and that will prompt the toy to respond to the content. If the nice lady on the screen is stroking fast, so will the toy.

The other option for interactive mode is to pair this with a female counterpart to your toy. That means that you’re connected through Bluetooth and they will each respond to the other’s toy.

Where it gets interesting again is in Automatic mode, which has 4 automatic patterns that you are free to change with the press of a button. You can also increase or decrease speed to your liking.

What are the advantages of using Onyx Plus?

Interactive mode is the big selling point on this toy, and it’s a pretty cool, futuristic feature. Of course, there are other toys that can be paired together or synced to content, but Kiiroo is the undisputed master of this market.

Is it a little creepy? Sure. But I’ve never met a toy that can so easily immerse you right in the middle of the action.

Plus, not to get depressing, but ever since coronavirus, wanking with someone, but socially distanced, is sounding better and better by the second. I’ll give you bonus points if you put a mask on as well.

What are the disadvantages of using the Onyx Plus?

The disadvantage is that you’ll never get to actually wank with your sweetie – or AT your favorite porno –because you’ll never figure out these controls.

Seriously, who designed this? I’m not trying to send missiles into enemy territory, I’m just trying to wank.

Every mode has a different control type, you touch for some controls, press for others, the same button has a million different functions, you have to remember what color goes with what mode…

A lot of people will give up hallway through, with their pants around their ankles and a sad semi.

Why is Onyx Plus in the top 5 best blowjob machines?

Exceedingly frustrating controls aside, the interactive thing is revolutionary. Automatic masturbators exist, wank robots exist, but an automatic masturbator that wanks you in sync with your favorite porn? I have to give it a standing ovation. After I pull my pants back up.

5) Roto Bator Pussy Rechargeable Stroker

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• The Roto Bator Pussy…try and think what this name might allude to. I promise it won’t be what you expect.
• This comes in 3 colors, that ostensibly each offer their own “pleasure combination”.

How do you use RotoBator blowjob masturbator?

The RotoBator actually looks a LOT like the Onyx. I’m not saying that someone is a rip-off…I’m just saying they’re both ugly and uninspiring. But I guess that’s better than one of those hideous pussy replicas.

What I’m trying to say is that they work super similarly. There’s a sleeve that you put your penis into and let this thing do its job.

Not so fast –

What’s that feeling? It’s not stroking you up and down, it’s…ROTATING AROUND YOUR PENIS like it’s trying to unscrew it right off.

That’s right, the RotoBator rotates. And it’s got colorful flashing lights.

No, I’m not kidding. Wish I was.

Seriously, you’ll feel like you’re 10 years old again at the state fair. If you’ve got motion sickness, good luck.

The sleeve has “ticklers” that is supposed to stimulate your penis as it goes round and round. Kind of like a merry-go-round.

What are the advantages of using the Rotobator machine?

Ridiculous or not, this does work. It fits all the criteria – it’s automatic, it provides stimulating, interesting, and intense sensations, and it reminds you of all of your childhood nightmares with clowns and rollercoasters. Clowns on a rollercoaster, now that’s a good horror movie.

There are 9 different rotation patterns you can play with – or they play with you, rather – for a near endless amount of combinations and sensations.

What are Rotobator’s disadvantages?

I know these are getting more and more ridiculous as we go on – wait till you see number 6 – but I don’t understand who in God’s name decided to put colorful twinkle lights on this???

What are they for? In case you want to masturbate at a rave? Land planes? To attract aliens? Blind you while you wank in the dark? To alert your neighbors HEY I’m WANKING from across the yard? To practically guarantee that your family will find it and claim it as their new favorite toy?

I hate it. I want to send them hate mail to tell them how much I hate it.

Why I listed Rotobator among the best blowjob machines?

In all my time reviewing sex toys, I’ve never seen anything like this, which makes it the best…of something. It ROTATES WITH TWINKLE LIGHTS. Have you ever seen anything more absurd? I haven’t, and while I wouldn’t touch this with a ten foot pole, I kind of admire the craziness.

6) Creepy Semen Collector

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• We’ve seen the best, but what is the worst? That would be this automatic sperm collector. Yep, you read that right. Just like the memory of that time you wanked into and came all over your favorite stuffed toy when you were 13, it’s real, and it will continue to haunt you.
• Fun fact – this Jetsons-esque nightmare was created for medical facilities and will only steal your spunk, even though it looks like it will steal your soul.

How do you use it?

When you’re donating sperm, trying to have a baby via artificial insemination, or just testing the ol’ spunk to check fertility, you need to – no elegant way to say this – jack off, so you can uh, create the magic liquid of life.

But understandably, men often feel uncomfortable performing this super intimate act in these circumstances, and once you pass the age of 15, you can no longer get hard and jizz with every breeze.

So, they need a hand.

Ok, but where does this fugly parking ticket machine come in?

Oh I think you know.

I don’t NEED to spell it out, but I will, anyway. The way this works is that you put your penis in that pink hole of doom, but I’m afraid that if you do, you might never get it back.

Proceed at your own risk.

What are the advantages of using this blowjob pocket pussy?

I was going to pretend to give this a fair shot and try to assess advantages, but there aren’t any for any sane person.

I guess, technically, it saves you the awkwardness of a sterile, half-hearted wank in a fertility clinic. It’s supposedly quick and efficient, but it also sucks (hehe) the joy out of the act.

Quick survey – would you put your penis in this?

What are the disadvantages?

I mean…how much time do you have? It looks like a device you use to rate your experience at the airport. Or that thing that validates your parking. Or that you can use it to order food at McDonalds on it. It looks like it can play video games in 1995.

Plus, let’s assume you use it at the clinic, and not at home… HOW is this gigantic robot better than your hand? Who can stay hard looking down at that pink hole of doom? Who knows what’s in there? Plus, how many men have already ejaculated inside of that thing? Ew ew ew ew ew EW.

Your penis would fully retract into your body. I think mine already has.

Why is it the best worst bj machine?

I’m probably going to need to scrub my eyeballs with a toothbrush after seeing that and imagining what goes on inside that thing. You’re welcome.